Quotes

"“Being told you have not been indicted for betraying your country is a pretty low bar for a victory lap.”"
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- Stephen Colbert, on President Trump, post-Mueller Report
""We have this unique opportunity to rise to our best selves in how we use and choose to use both our technology and our humanity. That's why I have joined forces with Apple.""
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- Oprah Winfrey
""Mueller's report may be finished, but mine is out next week. It's on 'Johnny Tremain' and it was due in 1974.""
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- Conan O'Brien
"“According to a new poll, 55 percent of Americans are in favor of abolishing the Electoral College, but unfortunately because of the Electoral College, 55 percent is less than half.”"
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- Seth Meyers
"“After White House counselor Kellyanne Conway’s husband questioned President Trump’s mental state in a series of tweets over the weekend, Trump today called George Conway a, quote, ‘husband from hell.’ Meanwhile, on ‘Real Housewives,’ they passed a comprehensive immigration bill.” "
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- Seth Meyers
"“The N.C.A.A. tournament — this is a chance for college basketball fans to lose $10 as slowly as humanly possible.” "
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- Jimmy Kimmel
"“Health experts are saying that the snooze button is bad for your health, and they’re telling Apple to take the feature off of their phones. In response, Apple was like, ‘O.K., we’ll take it off, just give me like nine more minutes.’”"
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- Jimmy Fallon
""If one morning I walked on top of the water across the Potomac River, the headline that afternoon would read: 'President Can't Swim.'""
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- Lyndon Johnson, on the news media
"“If you’re watching this, it means you survived yesterday’s Instagram, Facebook and WhatsApp crash. Or as the millennials called it, the end of the world.” "
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- Trevor Noah
"“Amazon announced they’re going to be opening stores nationwide with no sales clerks of any kind. First of all, that’s not new, O.K.? Sears had that 20 years ago.” "
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- Jay Leno
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