""There are plenty of stupid, incompetent people in power.Punching upwards is very safe territory. A lot of backlash is coming because jokes that used to fly 20 years ago don’t fly anymore for legitimate reasons. But as long as you’re punching up you’re in safe territory.”"
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- Joel Church-Cooper, EP of Brockmire, at the AMC Networks Summit
""Not to brag, but I think I'd be a model prisoner.""
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- Conan O'Brien
"“A meat plant in New Hampshire is recalling more than 2,600 pounds of sausage products because they’re afraid the meat could contain metal. Even worse, it may contain whatever it is that’s normally in a sausage.” "
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- James Corden
""It’s a little raunchy. I would definitely say Rated-R plus R.""
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- Kevin Hart, on his new Netflix special
"“Scientists have discovered that dubstep music has been found to protect against mosquito bites by delaying host attack, reducing blood feeding and disrupting mating. But it’s specifically music by Skrillex. Researchers also concluded that they’d rather just get malaria.”"
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- Stephen Colbert
""Holy lack-of-guacamole, what are we supposed to put on our toast now? Jelly?""
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- Stephen Colbert, on a Trump border threat that could affect the avocado suppy
""It’s like if Scrooge woke up on Christmas morning, discovered he had a second chance at life, then found Tiny Tim and took a crowbar to his good leg.""
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- SNL's Colin Jost, on President Trump saying Democrats must be held accountable for the Mueller investigation
"“A movie star can get a reservation at any restaurant in town. A TV star can actually buy the restaurant.”"
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- Sean Hayes, accepting a GLAAD Media Award
"“There was a new survey, and according to this survey, last year, in 2018, Americans made almost $40 billion worth of purchases while drunk. More than a quarter of American adults, about 53 million people, said they bought things while under the influence. Which could explain the popularity of Uggs.”"
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- Jimmy Kimmel
""The Mueller Report was never going to fix what’s wrong with our democracy. Thinking it would is like thinking bangs will fix your personality.""
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- Samantha Bee
