"“I bet this is going to inspire more people to run for office. People are going to be on stage like, ‘I’m running for president so that I can ask Jeff Bezos what happened to my tube socks! Which were supposed to be here by Wednesday!’” "
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- Trevor Noah, on President Trump's meeting with Twitter's Jack Dorsey
"“You do realize the Mueller investigation has lasted longer than most of the people in the Trump administration, right? Yeah, this thing has been around for about 70 Scaramuccis.""
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- Trevor Noah
"“When it comes to conspiracy, Trump’s saving grace may have been that, despite Russians wanting to help, everyone around them was too inept to work with them.""
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- John Oliver, on the Mueller Report
"“Say what you will about this President, he has Americans reading again.”"
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- Jimmy Kimmel, on the Mueller report
"“Carl’s Jr. is testing out a CBD-infused burger. So far it’s working, ’cause customers eat the burger, walk outside, look up and say, ‘Sweet! Carl’s Jr.!’ and then walk back inside.”"
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- Jimmy Fallon
""I'm just chillin', waiting to be asked to play Prince Harry in Season 16 of The Crown.""
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- Conan O'Brien, on Twitter
""'I don’t know how they’re going to handle a bunch of immigrants in a city like … New York. You can’t scare us with more immigrants. That just means faster Ubers and more Elmos.""
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- SNL's Michael Che, on President Trump's idea to send detained immigrants to sanctuary cities
"“This week on an American Airlines flight to Dallas, the flight attendant accidentally spilled drinks on a passenger, and then she found out that he was the C.E.O. of American Airlines. When the rest of the plane heard, they also dumped their drinks on him.” "
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- Jimmy Fallon
"“This weekend Kirstjen Nielsen stepped down as homeland security secretary, presumably to spend more time with her family after a house fell on her sister.”"
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- Samantha Bee, showing a picture of The Wizard of Oz's Wicked Witch of the West's feet under a house
"“It is going to be tough to find people to fill those positions. If only there was a group of folks willing to do jobs Americans don’t want to do.” "
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- Stephen Colbert, on who could fill vacant homeland security roles
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