"“Trump walked out the door, straight to the Rose Garden for a nationally televised hissy fit, complete with a podium adorned with a preprinted sign that said, ‘No collusion, no obstruction.’ Blocked the seal.... It reminds me of the time that Jefferson addressed the Continental Congress behind a sign that said, ‘Sally Hemings: just a friend.’”"
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- Stephen Colbert
"“Alabama Public Television refused to air an episode of the PBS show ‘Arthur’ because in the episode, there’s a same-sex wedding involving Arthur’s teacher Mr. Ratburn and his fiancé, Patrick. No word on whether they banned it because the couple is gay or because one is a rat and the other is an aardvark.” "
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- Jimmy Kimmel
""For people to just rubbish it because it’s not what they want to see is just disrespectful.”"
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- Game of Thrones star Sophie Turner, on backlash over the series' controversial ending
"“The next thing you know, I’m at Starbucks and they won’t take my credit card because I’m a woman instead of the regular reason, which is I don’t have no money on me.”"
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- SNL's Leslie Jones, on Alabama's restrictive abortion law
"“Some big news out of the nation’s capital: President Trump has now declared a national emergency over threats against American technology. Trump’s declaration was made to protect computer networks from foreign enemies. Basically, the long and short of this is, Trump locked himself out of his iPad.”"
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- James Corden
""This is the first upfront we’ve had since Time Warner was bought by AT&T. And because this is AT&T, after the show, there will be a terrible reception. Because it’s AT&T, the after-party only has two bars.""
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- Conan O'Brien, killing it at the WarnerMedia Upfront
"“The Obamas are making TV shows and Trump is running the country. If this isn’t some Freaky Friday situation.”"
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- Jimmy Kimmel, at the Disney Ufront
""In 2020, NBCUniversal will be coming out with its video streaming service, which they’re now referring to as OTT — which by 2022 will stand for, 'Oh That Thing.'”"
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- Seth Meyers, at NBCU's Upfront event
"“Everyone doubted everything about the Fox history until they proved it could be so.""
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- Fox Entertainment CEO Charlie Collier, in the NY Times
"“That’s like a waiter walking over and going, ‘Here’s your salad. There’s essentially no E. coli in it.’”"
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- Jimmy Fallon, after President Trump said the Mueller Report showed "essentially no obstruction"
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