Quotes

""President Trump said that he will soon release the results of his M.R.I. test from October. He just needs a little more time to write 'of genius' after the word 'stroke.'”"
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- SNL's Colin Jost
"“Now, just how did the intrepid inspector general uncover that Hegseth revealed when the first bombs might drop? Well, it could have been when Hegseth posted in the chat: ‘This is definitely when the first bombs will drop.’”"
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- Stephen Colbert
"“I don’t even know what’s crazier, that President Trump is pardoning the president of Honduras for selling drugs, or that the president of Honduras was selling drugs.”"
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- John Johnson
""If we apply the lessons learned from streaming over the past several years of quality character writing and apply that to those genres then we will have great success.”"
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- HBO Max's Sarah Aubrey
"“For God’s sakes, man, were you not curious at all? When they laid you down in a tube for a half an hour to 45 minutes, you didn’t want to know what they might be doing? Or did you just think to yourself, ‘What a loud tanning bed’?""
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- Jon Stewart. after President Trump said he had "no idea" what his MRI was for
"“What I don’t like about Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”"
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- Phyllis Diller
"“Pope Leo is set to travel to Turkey on Thanksgiving. And, you know what, I think we’re just going to let your dad have that joke.”"
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- Seth Meyers
""Our commander in chief presided over an important American tradition — the annual pardon of the turkeys. Which, at this point, are the only thing Trump hasn’t pardoned this year.” "
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- Jimmy Kimmel
"“When Mamdani was asked during a meeting in the Oval Office if he still believes President Trump is a fascist, Trump told Mamdani, ‘You could just say yes, it’s easier.’ Wait, so he can call you a fascist, but when I do it, you try to get my show canceled? What — what does he have that I don’t have? Youth? Charisma? Oh, both of those.”"
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- Seth Meyers
""For those of you who cannot be with family this Thanksgiving, please resist the urge to brag.""
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- Andy Borowitz
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