Quotes

"“This is the great irony of the Trump presidency: Foreign criminals must be kept out of the country at all costs, unless they’re here to steal our elections.”"
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- Bill Maher
"“Mike Pence avoided that question like it was a woman with her ankle showing!”"
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- Trevor Noah, on the vice president being asked by the press about Ukraine
"“Not only is Trump lashing out, he’s now demanding an apology from everyone involved in the impeachment. Then women, minorities, the disabled, Mexico and Puerto Rico were like, ‘You first.’”"
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- Jimmy Fallon
"“Trump can’t just decline to participate. This is not the Vietnam War.” "
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- Trevor Noah, on the White House's refusal to cooperate with the impeachment investigation
"“So to recap, we now have two whistle-blowers; we have the transcript of the phone call; a bunch of highly incriminating text messages; and not only did Trump do it privately with Ukraine, he asked China to do it on television. If this was ‘Judge Judy,’ he’d be out before the first mesothelioma commercial.”"
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- Jimmy Kimmel
""One upside to all the squabbling over the impeachment hearings: this Thanksgiving is a great time to tell your family you're gay.""
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- Conan O'Brien
"“In the middle of being investigated for asking foreign countries for election help, Trump publicly asked foreign countries for election help. That’s like chugging a beer while taking a breathalyzer test.”"
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- Jimmy Fallon
"“I swear, Trump has the only phone in the world with auto-incorrect.” "
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- Seth Meyers, after President Trump tweeted the word "moot" instead of "moat"
"“That is the craziest thing I have ever seen at an airport. Well, I mean the second craziest thing. The first is the price of a muffin at Au Bon Pain. I mean, $12. That thing better have Wi-Fi inside of it.”"
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- Trevor Noah, on the viral video of an out-of-control beverage cart at O'Hare airport
"“It’s so bad, at one point last night, Trump’s iPhone threw itself in the toilet.” "
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- Jimmy Fallon, on the president's tweeting
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