"“It reminds me of the children’s classic, ‘Nancy Drew and the Case of the Man Murdered by Nancy Drew.’”"
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- Stephen Colbert, after a report that Devin Nunes, the #1 Republican on the House Intelligence Committee, had a part in asking the Ukraine to investigate Joe Bifen
""I’m very proud of the fact that I was the first heart attack patient to show up to the emergency room in a city bus.”"
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- Larry David as Bernie Sanders, on SNL
""Press freedom is not the preserve of one political group or one political party. It’s a value embedded in our very foundational documents. Journalists need to join hands to defend it.”"
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- Shepard Smith, hosting a fundraiser for the Committee to Protect Journalists
""It was incredible. If he were a ‘Real Housewife,’ he would have finished by throwing a glass of rose in someone’s face, and just walking off.” "
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- James Corden, on Gordon Sondland's explosive impeachment hearing testimony
""MSNBC had Swalwell’s back, because late last night ‘Hardball’ actually tweeted, ‘Sorry to disappoint the conspiracy theorists — it was the ‘Hardball’ mug scraping across the desk. Get yours today!’ Not a great sales pitch: ‘Our mug will make millions of people think you just ripped one. Great stocking stuffer!’” "
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- Stephen Colbert, after a noise that sounded like someone passing gas was heard during Representative Eric Stalwell's appearance on Hardball
"“That’s like if your kid turned on Nickelodeon and Dora was like ‘Hey, you’ll never learn to read, fatty.’”"
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- SNL's Colin Jost on a Fox News commentator saying President Trump looked like a "big dumb baby" for a tweet during the impeachment hearings
"“Are you allowed to join this late? This is like if during Game 3 of the World Series, the Mets showed up asking to play.” "
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- Jimmy Kimmel, on Deval Patrick's entry into the Democratic presidential race
"“Today was the first time in over 20 years that Congress has held a public impeachment hearing. And if this one is anything like the last one, Trump will be impeached, then be acquitted in the Senate, and then in 20 years, his wife will lose an election to some idiot.”"
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- Seth Meyers
""Experts think Disney Plus could be the biggest threat to Netflix yet. Right now, both streaming services are racing to see who can raise the price a dollar each month without you noticing. Seriously, you could tell Netflix is worried; instead of asking, ‘Are you still watching?,’ now it says, ‘And where the hell do you think you’re going?’” "
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- Jimmy Fallon
""There’s nothing more Donald Trumpian than taking time in the middle of your impeachment hearing to judge a rap contest.” "
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- Jimmy Kimmel, on President Trump tweeting that he’d fly the winners of pro-Trump rap contest to the White House
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