"“Time magazine today unveiled their person of the year for 2019 and that person is Greta Thunberg, the 16-year-old activist, the youngest woman, youngest human ever to be named person of the year. And to honor this young woman who’s dedicated her life thus far to saving the environment, Time will cut down thousands of trees to print 2 million copies of the magazine.” "
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- Jimmy Kimmel
""I didn’t think he would make it three years. I’m not gonna lie. Trump getting this far into his presidency without being impeached is a lot like when a dog accidentally drives a car into a tree. Yeah the dog crashed, but he made it eight blocks.""
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- Trevor Noah
"“Apparently it’s harder than I thought to get rid of a wedding ring.”"
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- Seth Meyers, after President Trump claimed low water pressure is making people flush their toilets "10 or 15 times"
""After announcing articles of impeachment, Nancy Pelosi criticized a reporter who asked her if she hates President Trump, saying, 'As a Catholic, I don’t hate anyone.' Which is crazy, because as a Catholic, I know, there’s always one person you hate: yourself.""
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- Colin Jost, on SNL's Weekend Update
"“The House will now file articles of impeachment, then it will go to a full vote, then it could go to the Senate. I mean, how many steps are there in this? Are we impeaching a president or assembling a futon from Ikea?”"
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- James Corden
""It turns out NATO is so catty, they should get Andy Cohen to host it.”"
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- Trevor Noah, after video surfaced of world leaders at NATO making fun of President Trump
"“The big story is that Senator Kamala Harris has dropped out of the presidential race. Apparently, this weekend, Kamala saw Joe Biden bite his wife’s finger in public and thought, ‘There’s no way I can beat this guy.’”"
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- Jimmy Fallon
"“Today is Cyber Monday, which is followed tomorrow by Someone-Stole-the-Blender-From-My-Porch Tuesday.” "
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- Jimmy Kimmel
"“What I believe is that in a democracy it’s really important that people can see for themselves what politicians are saying, so they can make their own judgments.”"
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- Mark Zuckerberg on CBS This Morning, on Facebook posting misleading political ads
"“More than 20 million Americans are facing winter weather warnings right now, which will likely lead to flight cancellations and delays. But don’t let the bad weather ruin the holiday for you — that’s what your family is for.” "
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- Jimmy Kimmel
