"“This was the last debate before the Iowa caucus, and if we’re having fights, they should be about how to protect reproductive rights and how to fight gun violence and how Biden looks like he got run through the ‘Irishman’ de-aging machine.” "
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- Samantha Bee, on the Elizabeth Warren/Bernie Sanders argument
""The field of candidates went from looking like a diverse representation of the country to looking like the front row of a Jimmy Buffett concert.”"
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- James Corden, on last night's Democratic debate
""Universal, the studio that made ‘Cats,’ pulled the movie from Oscar contention, which is always funny. They probably didn’t need to do that. That’s like Mike Pence pulling out of contention for a ‘Soul Train’ award.""
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- Jimmy Kimmel
"“I’ve played everything: a cop, a robber, a doctor, different ethnicities, animals. I’ve been a donkey. I’ve even played a spaceship once. When young actors come up to me on the streets and say, ‘Do you have any advice?’, I say, ‘never play a spaceship.’”"
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- Eddie Murphy, at the Critics Choice Awards
""Love those first 2 weeks of the year where the gym is packed with people I'll never see again because I don't go back.""
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- Conan O'Brien
"“Why not just do the ‘Gilligan’s Island’ rule and go ‘North Atlantic Treaty Organization and the rest’?” "
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- Stephen Colbert, after President Trump floated the idea of expanding NATO to Middle Eastern countries
"“You got to hand it to him — he’s the only person who makes typos out loud.”"
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- Jimmy Fallon, on President Trump
"“These people control nuclear weapons and they can’t even handle Microsoft Outlook.” "
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- Trevor Noah, after the U.S. military accidentally pushed "send" on a draft letter saying troops would pull out of Iraq
"“Before the Iran strike, Trump told some guests at Mar-a-Lago that something huge was coming but he never told Congress, which means there’s a really good chance that Sugar Ray’s Mark McGrath heard about the strike before Nancy Pelosi.”"
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- Jimmy Fallon
""In a little while we’re going to see a short clip from The Irishman, and it’s 88 minutes long.""
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- Host Ricky Gervais at the Golden Globe Awards
