""They told me I only had 45 seconds up here, which is 45 seconds more than the Senate gave John Bolton this week.""
- Brad Pitt, during his Oscars acceptance speech
Quotes
"“I know a lot of people like me but they worry about if I’m electable. I have a great solution for that: Elect me.”"
- SNL's Kate McKinnon as Elizabeth Warren
""Democrats had a brilliant idea: Let’s give brand new technology to 90-year-olds voting in a barn.”"
- Bill Maher, on the Iowa voting fiasco
"“This year is another no-host show, which is like having a trial without witnesses.""
- Billy Crystal, on the Oscars
"“He ranted and raved for more than an hour this afternoon, airing every grievance, grinding every ax — it was his Pettysburg Address.” "
- Jimmy Kimmel, on President Trump's speech at the National Prayer Breakfast
"“Who would have thought that the most bad-ass Republican in the Senate would end up being a Mormon dude named Mitt?”"
- Trevor Noah
"“For months, Democrats have been saying that Trump is a threat to Democracy and a danger to the republic but now they just have to sit there and clap while he gives a speech...that is wild. It’s like if you’re in the middle of firing someone who’s belligerent at work but then you get interrupted by their birthday party.”"
- Trevor Noah, on the State of the Union speech
"“Now, I know it’s confusing that there are two Kansas Cities to a middle schooler who’s just finding out about it, but I guess we can’t expect the president of the United States to keep track of all the states.”"
- Seth Meyers, on President Trump congratulating the wrong state for the Kansas City Chiefs' Super Bowl win
""He somehow convinced the court that a president should be allowed to break the law as long as it’s good for the country. That’s like telling your girl you only cheated to practice being good at sex for her.""
- SNL's Michael Che, on President Trump's lawyer, Alan Dershowitz
"“A 30-foot-high portion of President Trump’s border wall blew over yesterday and fell into Mexico. Man, that’s how rough things are right now — even Trump’s wall is leaving the country.”"
- Seth Meyers
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