Quotes

"“At this point, between Bernie, Biden and Trump I think the next debate should just be on that cruise ship, and whichever one of them can beat coronavirus becomes out next president.” "
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- Colin Jost, on SNL's Weekend Update
"“Last night, President Trump appeared on Fox News and said he has a ‘hunch’ the coronavirus isn’t as bad as health experts say. And, ladies and gentlemen, I have a hunch we’re all gonna die.”"
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- Conan O'Brien
""If you’re going to call your sister your wife, you should have done it sooner. You might have won Utah.”"
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- Trevor Noah, on Joe Biden mistaking his sister for his wife during a Super Tuesday speech
"“This is like a reunion of ‘Friends’ if some of the friends were gone longer than others and none of them were friends.” "
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- Stephen Colbert, on Pete Buttigieg, Amy Klobuchar and Beto O'Rourke endorsing Joe Biden
"“So I guess we learned to pronounce ‘Buttigieg’ for nothing.”"
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- Jimmy Kimmel
"“Two percent of people is a lot when you’re talking about those people dying. Think about it this way: two percent of people disappearing was literally the premise of The Leftovers.”"
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- John Oliver on the coronavirus mortality rate
"“I’m not really sure why Pence is handling this instead of Trump. This feels like if Trump and Pence were husband and wife, Trump would hear a strange noise in the house and say, ‘Mike, go check it out.’” "
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- Jimmy Fallon, on President Trump's decision to have Vice President Pence lead the government's response to the coronavirus
""There was another Democratic debate, and it was total chaos. Some people complained about all the yelling, while Bernie Sanders was like, ‘This is great! I can finally hear everyone.’”"
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- Jimmy Fallon
""ONE Platform is not just our new business model. It's a model for what the advertising business can be when we free ourselves from legacy.""
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- NBCU ad chief Linda Yaccarino, on the company's move to a singular platform
""Don't forget: Work hard, and hug the people you love.""
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- Jimmy Kimmel, closing the ceremony to celebrate the lives of Kobe and Gianna Bryant
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