""I’ll give her this… Alabama isn’t California or New York. It is, of course, Alabama, a state whose flag says 'We’re working on it,' whose seal says 'This is where Alabama is,' and its facts page on 50 states.com is 50 facts about Indiana.”"
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- John Oliver, on the governor of Alabama refusing to issue a full shelter-in-place order because, "We aren’t California. We are not New York”
"“How can a governor be so far behind the curve? A governor. I just picture him, now, what, watching Season 3 of Westworld like, ‘Guys, I’m starting to think some of these people might be robots. I don’t know. Something about them.’” "
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- Trevor Noah, after the governor of Georgia said he'd just learned that asymptomatic people can transmit the coronavirus
"“Leave it to Florida to announce a stay-at-home order on April Fools’ Day.”"
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- Jimmy Kimmel
""Everyone was confused by the red and white flashing lights. At first, New Yorkers thought it meant Target finally got a shipment of toilet paper.” "
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- Jimmy Fallon, after the Empire State Building paid tribute to emergency workers by flashing like an ambulance siren
"“On the plus side, you can still spend Easter the way you always do — by completely forgetting about it until your mom calls and you lie about going to church.”"
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- Seth Meyers, on social distancing guidelines being extended to April 30
"“There’s no way not to feel like you somehow wished things into being. But it shows you how television, and drama in general, has something to tell people about how the world works.”"
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- Bruce Miller, creator/showrunner of Hulu's The Handmaid's Tale, to the NY Times
" “Is your wife getting as frustrated with you as my wife’s getting with me?” "
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- Joe Biden to Jimmy Kimmel, during an interview done remotely from their homes
""Those tests are kind of hard to come by right now. You have to be like 25% famous to get tested - it's the new getting verified on Twitter.""
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- Samantha Bee, on getting tested for COVID-19
""We’re all going to die so the president can eat Peeps.”"
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- Jimmy Kimmel, on President Trump wanting to lift the coronavirus lockdown by Easter
"“What else did he do, lick every desk in the Senate chamber and shake hands with the Lincoln Memorial?”"
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- Seth Meyers, on Sen. Rand Paul going to the Senate gym and pool while awaiting results of his COVID-19 test
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