""I’m not going to say the Korean brown-nosed him, but they got so far up there, I am pretty sure they snorted one of his tonsils, because they gave Donald Trump the only thing he’s missing at this point: a big golden crown. And their official lunch featured mini beef patties with ketchup. They’re literally making him the Burger King.” "
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- Stephen Colbert
"“Japan is trying to get on Trump’s good side to escape his, you know, his random tariff spree. So they gave him a couple gifts for America’s upcoming 250th birthday: some fireworks and 250 cherry trees, or, as it will be known in history books, ‘How Eric Trump started the D.C. wildfires.” "
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- Stephen Colbert
"“It’s so weird to make a hat for a thing that can’t happen. Wearing a Trump 2028 hat is like wearing a hat that says, ‘Super Bowl Champion New York Jets.’” "
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- Seth Meyers
""That was a mistake, by the way. They definitely should hire Jon. If I'm in that position, there's no question I hire John 100 times out of 100,""
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- Jimmy Kimmel, on being hired by ABC over Jon Stewart
"“This guy has been taking 15 years to give us a health care plan, but in three and a half days, he’s demolished half the White House.”"
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- Michael Kosta
"“President Trump confirmed yesterday he wants the Justice Department to pay him $230 million in compensation for its criminal investigations of him and added, ‘Any money that I would get, I would give to charity.’ Come on, man, that’s obviously just her stage name.” "
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- Seth Meyers
"“It’s exactly what you voted for, coal miners in Pennsylvania.” "
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- Michael Kosta, on the White House ballroom
"“You know New Yorkers are pissed when they voluntarily come to Times Square on a weekend.” "
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- Stephen Colbert
"“Yesterday, President Trump finally released what everyone has been asking him to release — George Santos.” "
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- "SNL's" Colin Jost
"“What? Every tech company gave Trump money? Well, fine. I don’t need those companies. I’ll do my internet searches the old-fashioned way: with a landline.” "
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- Stephen Colbert
