"“No one wants eternal lockdowns. If I see another of my friends holding up a janky loaf of homemade bread on Instagram I’m going to run outside and lick a banister.” "
- Seth Meyers
Quotes
"“I love the idea that he’s watching late-night television to see if we make jokes about him. Jared, in case you are, here are a few I think you’ll like. Jared Kushner is so dead inside, the president calls him Melania. Jared Kushner looks like if white privilege had a baby with raw cookie dough. Jared Kushner looks like a Pez dispenser of ‘Young Sheldon.’ Even Jared from Subway is like, ‘This Jared gives me the creeps.’”"
- Jimmy Kimmel
"“I don’t know — maybe Mike Pence just wants to catch it already and be put out of his misery.” "
- Jimmy Kimmel, on the Vice President taking a tour of the Mayo Clinic without wearing a face mask
"“Oh, sarcasm works great. Sarcasm’s absolutely the best thing for a president to do in the middle of a pandemic. You’re doing amazing, Mr. President.”"
- Stephen Colbert, after President Trump said he was being sarcastic when he suggested injecting disinfectant might cure COVID-19
""Netflix just added a new category to their menu: 'Stuff You Forgot You Already Watched at the Beginning of This Pandemic.'""
- Conan O'Brien
""It's funny that all the people protesting the stay-at-home order live in places where there's nowhere to go anyway.""
- SNL's Michael Che
""If you have time to watch reruns of baseball, you have time for anything. Baseball is boring when it’s happening. Watching it in reruns is like watching paint dry through a PowerPoint presentation.” "
- Trevor Noah, on Bernie Sanders
""Turns out the best present for Earth Day is the best present for Mother’s Day: time away from her children. Just get all the unruly humans out of her hair so Mother Earth can sit in a bubble bath and watch Outlander.”"
- Stephen Colbert, on Earth getting cleaner as people stay indoors
"“Last night the world was rocked by reports that Kim Jong-un, supreme leader and man who cut his own hair before quarantine, may be gravely ill after secretly undergoing heart surgery. This was major news - I didn’t know Kim Jong-un had a heart.""
- Trevor Noah
"“In Denver, Colorado, there was a standoff between protesters and an angry health care worker. Well, you know what they say: it ain’t over ’til the fat lady screams crazy right-wing talking points at a medical professional who’s trying to save her family’s lives.”"
- Jimmy Kimmel
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