"“Bright said if we don’t get our act together, the United States could be headed for ‘the darkest winter in modern history.’ The good news is, it sounds like he’s saying we might make it to winter.”"
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- Jimmy Kimmel, on Dr. Rick Bright's testimony in front of a House subcommittee
"“So, finally, if you live in the area, you can enjoy a three-star Michelin meal in the storage room at ‘Westworld.’” "
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- Jimmy Kimmel, after a high-end Virginia restaurant said it would open with mannequins at tables to make it look busy
"“This is from a restaurant in Castle Rock, Colorado that decided to open on Mother’s Day despite an order that bans in-house dining throughout the state. You can see no one was protecting themselves. I guess if it’s mom’s last meal you might as well make it delicious.""
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- Jimmy Kimmel, showing footage of people violating stay-at-home orders
"“In a new interview, a White House senior adviser said it was, quote, ‘scary’ to go to work after two fellow staffers tested positive last week for the coronavirus. Said the adviser, ‘Before this, it was just embarrassing.’” "
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- Seth Meyers
""We're all making sacrifices. I have had to share my child's Adderall with him.""
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- Kate McKinnon, playing a school principal on SNL
""TIME Magazine just announced its Person of the Year: it's sourdough bread.""
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- Conan O'Brien on Twitter
""I don’t know if going out without a mask is a way to honor God. But it’s definitely a way to meet him sooner." "
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- Trevor Noah, after Ohio state representative Nino Vitale said wearing a mask is morally wrong because conceals God's image
""Here’s your quarantine Cinco de Mayo tip of the day: Any bread can be a tortilla if you use a hammer.” "
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- Trevor Noah
"“The Asian giant hornet hails from Japan, where ‘the hornets kill as many as 50 people a year.’ Fifty people! To put that into perspective, sharks killed two people in 2019. That explains why this summer’s blockbuster is ‘Buzz.’”"
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- Stephen Colbert
""I feel a tremendous debt to New York. I was so happy to have that chance to say that publicly, because I’ve always felt it. Whatever I’ve contributed to New York, I wanted to say to New York, the feeling is mutual. I have zero doubt that the city will come back. Zero.""
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- Jerry Seinfeld, talking to the NY Times about his Netflix special
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