Quotes

""I could not be happier, more content, more excited about the return of my America.""
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- Norman Lear
"“Here’s a compromise: How about they count the votes and then they stop counting the votes, like the old days.”"
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- Jimmy Kimmel
""Oregon has become the first state to decriminalize hard drugs like cocaine and heroin. This has upset a lot of people, but on the plus side, it will bring millions of jobs in the tiny sandwich bag industry.”"
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- Stephen Colbert
"“Some Dust Bowl results have blown in. Oklahoma Senate race has been called for G.O.P. incumbent and global warning denier Jim Inhoff. Inhoff was heavily favored to win so he wasn’t sweating the outcome. He was sweating because for some reason every year it’s warmer than the previous one.”"
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- Stephen Colbert
""Many are surprised by Lil Wayne’s endorsement of Trump. But keep in mind, Lil Wayne puts cough syrup in his Sprite, so, grain of salt.""
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- SNL's Michael Che
"“It’s the kind of maddening poll result designed to keep you up all night mainlining Xanax and digging through cross tabs: ‘All right, let’s see here. Biden is overperforming with liberal suburban women under 35 who drink Tazo tea and play tennis, but underperforming with centrist NASCAR dads over 50 who refer to the bathroom as their ‘office.’” "
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- Seth Meyers
" "Everyone was freezing. Trump supporters were like, ‘If only there was some way to keep our faces warm.’”"
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- Jimmy Fallon, on a rally in Omaha
"“There’s just one week until Election Day and whatever happens, it’ll be nice when my email inbox doesn’t look like I just broke up with it.”"
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- Seth Meyers
""It doesn’t instill a lot of confidence that the head of the Coronavirus Task Force’s office got the coronavirus. It’s like if the Avengers got mugged.” "
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- Jimmy Fallon
""I worried that my Hollywood career would be over if people heard that I couldn’t even sell a show to Quibi.""
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- writer Joel Stein, in the Hollywood Reporter
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