""I know some people will say, ‘But isn’t helping to save humanity enough of an incentive to get vaccinated?’ To which I say, ‘Hell, no!’ Have you seen humanity? It’s full of jerks who will only get vaccinated if there’s money in it for them.” "
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- Trevor Noah, on Ohio's million dollar lottery for vaccinated people
"“House Republicans voted today to remove G.O.P. conference chair Liz Cheney from her leadership position, but they’re already claiming it never happened.” "
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- Seth Meyers
"“Mayor De Blasio announced a list of incentives to get people vaccinated, including free food, free tickets to events and the opportunity for one lucky vaccinee to be starting quarterback for the New York Jets this season.”"
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- Jimmy Kimmel
"“Right now the horse is thinking, ‘As long as I’m being put out to stud, this sounds more like a you problem.’” "
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- Jimmy Fallon, on the Kentucky Derby winner testing positive for steroids
"“I realize I’m not the ideal person to talk about Black hair. I look like I still go to an old time-y barber named Valentino and ask for a tidy Liza Minnelli.""
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- John Oliver
""Mother’s Day is this weekend, according to six voicemails from your mother.” "
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- Seth Meyers
" "VICE Media Group has taken a stand to say this archaic practice is unethical and is a diminishing and shallow way of grouping human beings."
"
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- VMG’s Chief People Officer, Daisy Auger-Dominguez on data discrimination
"“I think they both deserve their privacy, but if ABC wants to make Bill the next ‘Bachelor,’ I’m all in.” "
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- Jimmy Fallon, on the Bill and Melinda Gates divorce
"“According to a new ABC News poll, Americans are more hopeful about the future than they have been in 15 years, since 2006. Of course, the poll was conducted before we found out Elon Musk is hosting ‘Saturday Night Live,’ so we’ll see if it holds up.” "
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- Jimmy Kimmel
" “No side effect of the vaccine is worse than the alternative—COVID.”"
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- John Oliver
