Quotes

""New York Jets quarterback Joe Flacco announced he’s not vaccinated against the coronavirus. But don’t worry about his teammates — it’s rare for the Jets to catch anything.” "
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- Seth Meyers
"“It’s not like Staples is a sacred name from the ancestors — it’s a store where you buy 50 packs of binders even though you only need one.” "
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- Trevor Noah, on criticism over Staples Center being renamed Crypto.com Arena
"“President Biden signed his bipartisan infrastructure bill into law, and to tell everyone about it today, he kicked off a road show to showcase the benefits of the bill. It’s like ‘The Antiques Road Show’ if the road was the antique.”"
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- Stephen Colbert
""He definitely likes to think of himself as a Logan Roy type, but he’s more like a coked-up flunky who would get hired to help cousin Greg shred some documents and accidentally screw it up.”"
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- Seth Meyers, on Steve Bannon and "Succession"
"“For 50 years I stood by as ‘Sesame Street’ taught our children dangerous ideas, like numbers and kindness. But when Big Bird told children to get vaccinated against a deadly disease, I said enough.""
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- SNL's Aidy Bryant as Ted Cruz
"“Prosecutors are recommending 51 months behind bars, after which he will be remanded into the custody of ‘Dancing With the Stars.’”"
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- Jimmy Kimmel, on the Capitol insurrectionist known as the QAnon Shaman
""How much more bad news is Biden going to get? At the end of the month, we’re going to find out the turkey he pardoned was at the Capitol on January 6.”"
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- Seth Meyers
""Don’t worry, he’s like Grandpa at the wheel. He’ll get us there, it’ll just happen very slowly with the blinker on the whole ride.” "
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- Jimmy Kimmel, on President Joe Biden's low approval rating
"“He’s one of the nicer characters on the show, which still makes him one of the top 10 worst human beings on TV.”"
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- SNL host Kieran Culkin, on his "Succession" character
"“Like the drunkest friend at a bachelor party, Joe Biden’s going to make sure everyone gets shots.” "
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- Jimmy Kimmel
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