"“You can tell people were ready to let loose. On my way in, I heard a guy on the street ask where the bathrooms are, and another guy said, ‘It’s wherever you want it to be.’” "
- Jimmy Fallon, on St. Patrick's Day in NYC
Quotes
""Zelensky appealed directly to Congress. He said, ‘We need you right now.’ And Congress was like, ‘Listen, we’d love to help, but we just made daylight saving time permanent and we are wiped out, so.’” "
- Jimmy Kimmel
""We have an update on our colleague Benjamin Hall who was seriously injured while reporting outside of Kyiv on Monday. He is now safe and out of Ukraine. Ben is alert and in good spirits. He is being treated with the best possible care in the world and we are in close contact with his wife and family.""
- Fox News Media CEO Suzanne Scott
"“Tom Brady is like your friend who announces she’s quitting Instagram and then posts something three hours later.”"
- Jimmy Kimmel
""Ticketmaster is one of the most hated companies on Earth, which is really impressive because remember, this is a planet in which AT&T also exists.""
- John Oliver, on inflated ticket prices
"“There’s some spider invasion coming to the East Coast in the spring. Scientists say they’re that the size of a child’s hand, and they can parachute from the sky. I love how scientists were like, ‘How should we describe the size?’ and they’re like, ‘Oh, I settled on a child’s hand.”’ "
- Jimmy Fallon
""McDonald’s, Starbucks and now Coca-Cola have announced that they are suspending business in Russia. Which means the Russian people are going to be forced to develop diabetes on their own now.” "
- Trevor Noah
""McDonald’s and Starbucks are cutting ties with Russia, both announcing they would temporarily close all locations in the country. No Starbucks, no McDonald’s — that’s a sad life to live. And no pick-me-up in the morning, no Happy Meals — or, as they call them in Russia, meals.”"
- Trevor Noah
""A convoy of truckers spent the last two days surfing the Capital Beltway outside D.C. to protest Covid restrictions. Yep, the truckers waited until all the mandates were lifted and gas hit five bucks a gallon.” "
- Jimmy Fallon
""Some military experts have been surprised that despite having superior firepower, the Russian army has been slowed by aging equipment, poor motivation and inept leadership. So basically they’re the Lakers.""
- SNL's Weekend Update anchor Colin Jost
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