Quotes

""Russian Netflix subscribers launched a class-action lawsuit for loss of service. Then, after a few hours, a screen popped up saying ‘Are you still suing?’ and you had to click ‘yes.’” "
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- Stephen Colbert
""The Brooklyn subway shooting suspect has been arrested. That’s nice. That’s fast. The suspect’s name is Frank R. James. Authorities know this because a credit card with Mr. James’s name on it had been found at the scene of the shooting, as had a key to a van Mr. James had rented. He also left a cheek swab, a filled-out tax return and his SoulCycle emergency contact.""
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- Stephen Colbert
" "I wish I could get banned from the Emmys. Every year I have to go and act like I might beat John Oliver.""
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- Trevor Noah
"“He can still be nominated and win an award. He can even go to the afterparty. He just doesn’t have to attend the four-hour ceremony where someone is definitely going to make fun of his wife again.”"
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- SNL's Colin Jost, on Will Smith being banned from the Oscars
""Can I blame autocorrect for things like tax evasion?""
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- Conan O'Brien
""Back in February, Spirit announced plans to merge with Frontier Airlines, but yesterday, JetBlue swooped in with a better offer. JetBlue wants to buy Spirit for $3.6 billion, plus $55 extra for carry-on luggage.” "
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- Jimmy Kimmel
"“Trump endorsing Palin is like paste eating endorsing glue sniffing.""
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- Jimmy Kimmel
"“A year ago, when I asked the internet, what if ‘Bridgerton’ was a musical, I could not have imagined I would be holding a Grammy in my hands.”"
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- Abigail Barlow, co-creator of DIY project "The Unofficial Bridgerton Musical"
" “Intelligence officials are saying that Vladimir Putin is being misinformed by his advisors about how badly the Russian military is performing in Ukraine. Which is kind of like Will Smith’s agent telling him, ‘You crushed it at the Oscars!'” "
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- SNL's Colin Jost
"“Who would have thought the movie coming out of the Oscars with all the buzz was GI Jane?""
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- Bill Maher
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