"“I feel like two things seem equally possible: Either Trump’s lying, or Joe Biden doesn’t remember talking to him.”"
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- Jimmy Fallon, on President Trump claiming a former president expressed regrets that he hadn't taken the action Trump has in Iran
"“As many of you know, war is God’s way of teaching Americans geography. And class is in session. I give you: the Strait of Hormuz.” "
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- Jon Stewart
""'F1' was great... It’s the story of a race car driver who finally wins after deciding to go faster.""
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- Oscars host Conan O'Brien
""Today Iran’s new supreme leader issued his first public comments and, weirdly, they were all about Donna Kelce’s home renovations.”"
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- Jimmy Fallon
"“We can’t handle a drone strike. We barely survived the writers’ strike here, OK?” "
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- Jimmy Kimmel
"“This feels like the first time ever I’ve had a good review in anything.""
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- "Shrinking" star Ted McGinley, to the NY Times
"“Iranian state media reported yesterday that the second-oldest son of the deceased Ayatollah Ali Khamenei has been chosen as the next supreme leader, starting a dangerous precedent of second-oldest sons taking over.” "
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- Seth Meyers
"“To all the soap operas out there, let me say this: I am officially offering myself to you. Write me a role, and I’ll be on your set so fast, it’ll make your head spin.""
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- John Oliver
""President Trump fired DHS secretary Kristi Noem, and no one is more disappointed than her dogs.” "
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- Greg Gutfeld
"“No one seems to have a clear plan for the war or even a clear reason why we started it. And apparently, America’s military is even at risk at running out of weapons, which is one problem I never thought America would have. I thought we had an unlimited stockpile of those like spinoffs of ‘Yellowstone.’”"
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- Michael Kosta
