"“At this point, you’re probably saying to yourself, ‘How many television hours have they devoted to what Donald Trump, a man who has not been off any of our screens for more than 30 seconds in the last eight years, looks like?’ The answer is not nearly as many hours as describing his every movement.”"
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- Jon Stewart
"“The list of things that can break a Cybertruck now includes driving it.” "
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- John Oliver, on the recall of the Tesla vehicle
"“Being the speaker of the House nowadays is like being Leonardo DiCaprio’s girlfriend — you hang on as long as you can.” "
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- Jimmy Kimmel
""In the middle of a presidential campaign and countless federal indictments, he’s obsessed with the Academy Awards from five weeks ago. I look forward to his new campaign slogan: ‘Trump 2024: They Gave It to ‘Green Book’?”"
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- Stephen Colbert
"“Yesterday, Trump fell asleep during the proceedings — he took a little white power nap. But today he was sharp, focused and he fell asleep again.” "
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- Stephen Colbert
" “O.J. Simpson died this week at the age of 76 after a battle with prostate cancer that was planted on him by the L.A.P.D.”"
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- SNL's Michael Che
"You know what they say: If at first, second, third, fourth, fifth, sixth, seventh, eighth, ninth or tenth you don't succeed, cry, cry again."
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- Jimmy Kimmel
"Well, forget the old saying 'April showers bring May flowers,' because from now on it's 'April trials bring me smiles.'"
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- Stephen Colbert
"“It was quite a sight, and if you’re excited about the eclipse and the sky turning totally black, wait ’til you hear about nighttime.”"
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- Jimmy Kimmel
""At a campaign rally, former President Trump said he would debate President Biden any time, any place. And then he pointed to an empty podium on the stage. And now Trump and Biden are both polling 80 points behind the podium.""
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- SNL's Colin Jost
